i can’t stop crying and i don’t know what to do. all i want to do right now is talk to derek. i don’t know why. even when he’s acting like an asshole, it’s still comforting hearing his voice. that sounds dumb. he called me this afternoon while i was painting and asked if i had heard pierce the veil’s new song clip yet. i hadn’t, so he made me go listen to it (it was great). and then he said he was going to go, and we said goodbye. it’s nice to think that he calls me for the little things like that. but it doesn’t do well when i’m trying to get over him. when we were texting last night, i said 4 times i was going to go to sleep. and every time, he said no. stay. i liked that. more than i should. i need to stop. i need to calm down. i need to forget about everything right now. i need to relax. i need to take some pills for this headache. i need to sleep.

man what a fucking shit day, or the end of it at least. i woke up around noon and just chilled all afternoon. i fucking finally started working on the painting that i wanted the maine to all sign at the concert on friday. and then i remembered that the last time i talked to my mom about it 2 weeks ago, she said i’m absolutely not going because i don’t deserve it and i haven’t been doing anything or trying hard enough to get a job. and i know that she’s right, i haven’t been trying hard enough. so then a couple days after that, i spent the week at jami’s house and i couldn’t really do anything from there or go anywhere. so that basically left me a little less than a week to accomplish something, and i’ve just been hanging out with mom so far, doing basically nothing. so anyways, working on the painted reminded me that i needed to talk to mom about it again. after dinner, all i said was “so mom… that concert is on saturday” and before i could even finish talking she laughed at me and said no. yeah she fucking laughed at me. i didn’t say anything else, i just started silently crying. then she says “don’t you sit there and start fucking sobbing amanda lynn, you’re 20 years old, grow the fuck up.” nothing pissed me off more then when people tell me shit like crying won’t help anything. excuse me, you can go fuck yourself. i’d rather sit there and cry than go and do something stupid to intentionally physically hurt myself. crying lets me get it all out and there’s nothing wrong with that. i told mom that it’s the only think that will make me happy. she didn’t even know what i meant and i couldn’t explain it to her because i know she’d say something like “that’s the most ridiculous i’ve heard, it’s just a fucking band.” so i didn’t say anything else. then she started saying “you don’t really care. you don’t want to go or else you’d have a job by now. you don’t want a job, you just want to sit at home for the rest of your life and live off of me.” i fucking HATE that, when she says shit like that so matter-of-factly. that actually pisses me off more than when she says crying won’t help. like the kind of pissed off where you grind your teeth to keep from screaming your fucking head off and you literally want to rip your hair out or break something. it’s the kind of pissed off that makes me want to walk into the kitchen, grab a huge sharp knife, and drag it across my wrists. all i did was sit there and dig my fingernails into my arm under my sleeve while she presumed to tell me what i want and don’t want. i couldn’t listen to her anymore so i went to go take a shower and hopefully calm down. i think i just sat in the tub for 20 minutes sitting there with the hot water spraying my back. i spent a long time holding my razor to my arm and thinking about all the shit my mom said to me. i never pressed down though, even though i really wanted to. i thought about how much it would sting after, especially with 4 blades, and how i didn’t want to deal with trying to cover it up and waiting for it to scar, and then having to explain the scar at some point. so i just kept sitting there digging my nails into my arm. i know that’s not any better mental health wise, but it would leave less marks. i have this weird looking bruise things on my forearm now. they’re like red splotches with dark red spots in them, like the blood rising to the surface of the bruise or something like that. it’ll fade in a couple days or so. i had to text hannah and tell her that i probably wouldn’t be going. she said if i’m not going, she couldn’t go either. i told my mom that and she just laughed rudely and said that it wasn’t her problem. when i got out of the shower, i was sitting on the floor in the living room trying to avoid looking at anyone. mark said that it wasn’t too late, i was like what the hell are you talking about. he told me if i really wanted to go and if i really wanted to try getting a job, then i’d get my ass down to a bunch of stores tomorrow and ask for applications. so i said i’d do it. i started freaking out and crying even more because i’d have to take the bus. in an area i’m unfamiliar with. alone. with other people. in public. i know these sound like irrational fears, but all that freaks me the fuck out. my social anxiety is way too fucking high and i’m going to try not to have a fucking panic attack. i looked at the bus schedule online and i’ll have to wake up around 8 to be on the bus by 10. the ride is only like 15 minutes long, but i’m still so nervous just thinking about it. i hope there won’t be many people on the bus since it’s a weekday and it’s morning. i’m going to apply at a bunch of fast food places (ugh i never ever wanted to do that because they’re always crowded and too many people make me nervous) and a couple stores. i think there’s a dollar store or something around there, i’ll apply there too. there’s also an italian place in that area, maybe i could go there for lunch by myself or something. fuck i’m so nervous. i need to figure out which bus to take to get home. i figure it’ll take me over an hour to get everywhere and apply (if they’re even accepting applications)………… okay i just went on the website to check the bus schedule again and i looked at the map. it turns out the bus doesn’t come all the way up here even though there’s a bus stop right at the end of my street, but it goes the other direction. and i looked at the all the bus stops on the route and mine doesn’t show up. and when i plan a trip, my starting point is redirected to the east side of lake stevens, which is like 10 fucking miles away from me. well this is just fucking great. i’m still going to wake up early and get ready, but i’m going to call my mom and tell her. there’s no fucking way to take the bus there fuck fuck fuck fuck now my mom is going to think that i’m not trying again and i don’t know what the fuck to do and now i’m crying again and worrying and all i want to do it go to a fucking concert that is one fucking day on the fucking weekend and i know i haven’t done anything with my life so far BUT IT’S JUST ONE FUCKING SATURDAY AND I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW FUCK I WANT TO FUCKING CUT MYSELF AND SLIT MY THROAT AND WALK INTO MY MOM’S ROOM AND SLAP HER ACROSS HER SMUG CUNT FACE I WANT TO PUNCH THE FUCKING WALL AND BREAK SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO NOW TO SHOW THAT’M TRYING SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUDSVFKLDZHVBJKAMLXz

today was better than yesterday. mom is on a little vacation from work so she has tuesday and wednesday off, and today she woke me up a little before 9 and we drove around a ran errands, then went to lunch at taco time. i still have a whole burrito in the fridge and i’m really thinking about going to get it right now. but it was nice just hanging out with mom for a bit. then we came home and she fell asleep on the couch while i fell asleep laying on the floor. when mark came home, i woke up and went to work more on derek’s picture. it looks pretty awesome actually, i got it all outlined in sharpie and i started to color it. unfortunately my black colored pencils are all sharpened down so small from being used too much so i don’t know when i’ll be able to finish it. when i was working on it tonight, derek called me around 11 and i didn’t answer, because i was scared he’d yell at me and hang up and piss me off, but mostly because i was still with my mom. so i texted him and said i’m working, and he said “:(…” basically i told him that i’m not done yet because my colored pencils are gay and he asked how long, i said i don’t know, so i sent him a picture of the outline to calm him down. he said “C:c:c:c:” lol basically just a bunch of cute smiles. i asked if he was a little more satisfied now and he said i suppose. i said oh. okay. he said he was just disappointed in me. i said him and everyone else in the world, and then i told him to please go away. he said no, wait. he was just saying it to mess with me. i said he’s doing a pretty good job. he said stop, come here. i said i’m here. he said to call him when i could. so i did about 20 minutes later when mom finally went to bed. we talked for a little over an hour, and not even about the picture. he asked why i was so emotional and stressed out and i was like ahhhh it’s you’re fault! because it’s so hard to tell when he’s joking and when he’s serious. then he asked me which person in my life i love the most, i said my mom. he said he was offended because his answer was me. okay.. i know he loves me, but i don’t know if he meant that or not. i find it really hard to believe he loves me (a girl who he has never met in person before) more than his family or people who have always been there for him. before he had a girlfriend, he would always tell me he loves me more than anything and i always thought it was sweet but i assumed he was just being cute and exaggerating. but then we started talking about random things like aliens and scary movies. then he started saying i love you again, and he said “i hate that i’m so in love with you” or something like that, and then he said bye and hung up before i could say anything. so i texted him and called him a dick. we’re still texting now. i keep saying that i’m tired and i’m going to bed, and he keeps saying no, don’t go. so i keep saying okay. an endless cycle. i really am tired though. i finished the 2nd 50 shades of grey book tonight, maybe i’ll lay in bed and start the 3rd one now until i doze off. goodnight.

today was a pretty okay day. i didn’t go to bed last night until around 5am, and i woke up at noon to the sound of my phone buzzing because derek was calling me. i answered the phone and was like uugghhh what do you waaanttt. he said his friend malek was with him and they both wanted to see the picture even though it’s not done, they wanted to see it right now as it is. and in my head i was like uuuuhhhh fuck i haven’t even started it yet lol. so i was like okay okay i’ll post it on twitter, hold on. so he waited on the phone while i got out my sketch book and wrote in sharpie “fuck off and wait” and took a picture of it and posted it on twitter hahaha. i said okay it’s uploading now. he told malek to look away because he wanted to see it first, and he sounded really really excited, it was kinda cute which made me feel bad for fucking with him for like a fraction of a second. then i guess the picture fully loaded and he yelled “OHHHH MY FUCKING GOD” and i laughed and said “okay well i gotta go, have a nice day!” and then i hung up. then he did the same thing he did last night where he texted me the same thing a million times so i couldn’t even use my phone because it wouldn’t stop buzzing. but he said “how dare you” about 50 times. and i said pretty much the same thing as last night, “setting my phone to vibrate and putting it in my pants, thanks in advance for the orgasm.” and he texted me about 30 more times after that and then it finally stopped lol. then about 10 minutes later he said that i hurt his feelings. i didn’t reply because i just didn’t want to. then 2 hours later he texted me again and said the same thing. then i replied and said i’m sorry but i’m not giving anything away. he said i broke him and malek’s hearts. i said don’t hate me but please give me until tomorrow night to finish. he said why. i lied and said i was coloring it last night i was coloring it and the pencil ripped a major part of the paper lol. he freaked out at first and then said okay, tomorrow. and then i actually did spend a few hours today drawing it out. i think i’ve already explained what my idea was, but it’s darth vader as out lady of guadalupe, like with te sun rays around him, and instead of standing on a crescent moon like our lady, he’s standing on a little death star. but today i drew out darth vader and i drew the circle that will be the death star. i need to draw the little detailed inside it, then draw the sun rays. then outline the whole thing in ink and color it in to look tattoo-esque. i really think it looks cool though, and i think derek will like it. 
i didn’t do much else all day except read more, i’m nearly done with the 2nd 50 shades of grey book, i only have about 30 pages left. i might finish it tonight if i’m awake enough, but mom and i are running a bunch of errands tomorrow and we’re going to lunch at dick’s! i never told her that matt came over while i was at jami’s and that i had dick’s then. i know it’s not a big deal and nothing even happened in the least bit, but i know mom would probably overreact and tell me it was wrong, but whatever, she doesn’t need to know. anyways, tomorrow should be good, mom and i never hang out and do things anymore because she’s always to tired or she’s usually doing horse stuff on the weekends. in any case, i’m excited.
mom stayed up until 1am with me watching keeping up with the kardashians lol we had popcorn and talked about 50 shades of grey, because she read the first book so i was telling her about the 2nd book. when i first told her i was reading it the other day, she freaked out because it’s really really sexually graphic and she was like “i don’t want you reading that!” and mark was like “she’s 20, she knows what everything is.” mom was like “oh… okay.” lol it was funny. i think she thinks that it will give me ideas or something? not really, the sex scenes actually make me laugh. but anyways, while i was hanging out with mom tonight, derek called me around 11 and i didn’t answer. then he called me an hour later, and i still didn’t answer, i was still with mom. she finally went to bed 20 minutes later and i called him back, he kept saying how mean i was and i just laughed and said sorry. he actually asked how my day was, i don’t know why that was surprising to me. i told him it was decent and i asked how his was, he said the same thing. i thought i heard the tv in the background, but i think he was still with malek and he was talking or something. he said he’d leave me alone now and call tomorrow night to check on the picture’s progress lol that demanding asshat. i think i’ll have it finished though, i got the hard part (drawing vader’s body) out of the way. just gotta draw the sun rays, not hard.
i’m going to read in bed now until i fall asleep, or until i hear mark’s alarm and then i have to turn my light off. goodnight. 

fucking finally. jami’s house is cool and everything, but coming home always feels good. i missed my bed so much, i’m sitting on it right now. hannah came over when i was still at jami’s and she spent the night on saturday. we spent most of the time watching one direction videos on youtube and freaking out and their adorableness lol we’re gay. jami and tyler came home and then they drove me and hannah back to my house. hannah was supposed to spend the night here tonight but chris came and picked her up because they’re all going to a car show early in the morning or something, so i was kinda bummed about that. but tonight ended up being pretty decent. mom was all huggy and shit and it was nice that i came home to her being in a good mood. mark bought a new horse too, this is the first night with it here. i petted him for a bit in his stall, he was really friendly. mom and mark went to bed around 11, and i read for a while. when i was at jami’s, i started and finished reading 50 shades of grey and now i’m about 3/4 through the 2nd book, i wasn’t expecting the 2nd book to be this good too. so while i was so wrapped up and freaking out over this book, derek calls me. like last time, he said he had 2 questions. i actually don’t remember the first one now because it was random. but of course the 2nd question was how is his picture. i said i JUST got home and it’s not done yet, and that i really don’t want to talk right now because i have a headache and too much on mind and i don’t want to deal with it. and he was like what what tell me what’s wrong. i didn’t want to talk to him though because if he was gonna hang up on me one more fucking time, i would completely lose it. and the last thing he said to me when were on the phone was “i hate that i love you so much.” and like i’ve said so many times before, i’m totally cool being just friends with him because i care about him a lot and i’d like to keep him in my life. but it’s hard to be friends when he tells you that he is basically in love with you, still. so that’s why i didn’t want to talk to him, because i really don’t think my heart would take that very well. so i said no you don’t want to hear it because it’s going to piss you off, so let’s just talk another time. and he kept bothering me about it, so i finally just told him that he can’t say things like that to me because he’s not making it easy for me to move on, he’s just making it more difficult. same thing with the moaning sex noises thing he was doing ugh fuck. and i told him i fucking hated how serious he can be when he’s leaving a voicemail but it pisses me off when he turns every single thing into a joke when it’s obviously meant to be serious moment. and i said i can’t fucking stand it when he hangs up on me and doesn’t call me back to let me know he’s just joking and when he doesn’t answer when i call him back. and of course what do you know, he fucking hung up right then and there without saying one fucking word. and i yelled out loud YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. so i stared at my phone for a minute because i was thinking “come on he has to be fucking kidding, PLEASE be kidding.” then i called him back and it went to voicemail and i said “i fucking hate you.” and then hung up. i know he was doing it to see how much he could piss me off ugh maybe i just need to lighten up. but then a minute later he did call me back, but he did the hang up thing 2 more times, except those times he called me back like 3 seconds after he hung up. it was really hilarious actually. whenever i’m trying to be serious, he always ends up making me laugh. i hate that, but at the same time, i love it, and i love how easily he can make me smile. but then he really started talking to me and he told me to calm down, and he said that he does love me. he said it several times actually. i just sighed pretty heavily and said i love you too. what else am i supposed to say? i DO love him. anyways. we lightened the mood and then he said he wasn’t saying this to piss me off at all, but he was at a party this weekend with his girlfriend and she was giving him a blowjob and she didn’t swallow his cum. honestly all i could fucking do when he told me that was laugh my ass off. it’s easier to hear about it from him then seeing kissing pictures on facebook. i suppose it’s always harder to actually see something as a opposed to just hearing about it. so he was telling me this and he said that his girlfriend had told him it tasted sweet, and he asked her well then why the fuck didn’t she swallow?! oh my god i could not stop fucking laughing. he started telling me how he told her he wanted a frank sinatra tattoo (we’ve talked about this before many times) and she didn’t know who he was or didn’t know any of his songs, and how she doesn’t know many popular movies and things like that. so then i asked him what his favorite movies are other than star wars, and we were talking about this for like 15 minutes. he started naming his favorites and they were all some of my favorites too (edward scissorhands, transformers, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, etc.) and he started singing the song from mulan and he got so into it, i could hear him snapping so i kept making fun of him, and then we were both laughing pretty hard. and then he said he was gonna go watch some show which he couldn’t do on  while on the phone, so i jokingly called him an asshole and laughed and said okay well goodbye then. and he said “goodbye amanda, i love you so much” and it was in this kind of slightly patronizing tone of voice, but i could tell he was smiling when he said it too. because i had asked him to please not say those kinds of things anymore because it’s really hard to take that when my heart is trying to heal. i think hearing him say it lightly (but still knowing that he did mean it) was easier to take. i don’t know if this will make sense, but hearing that was like how a hug feels between friends.. yeah that doesn’t make any sense at all. like.. how some friends kinda make a joke out of hugging so it’s not so serious, but at the same time they do know they both care for each other…. it was kinda like that. so i said “i love you too” back in the same lighthearted voice, but i know he knew i meant it. so then we hung up. a minute later, he texts me and says “finish my fucking picture”. i said “such loving parting words”. he said “:)”. i said “:) i’m working on it right this second” (which was true because i had just gotten my sketch book out). he said “eat my dick”. i said “any time you want baby”. and then i didn’t wait for a reply, but i sent another that said “now fuck off and go watch your show and let me finish this”. a couple minutes later, he said “shutup”. and then he sent another that was just “:)”. it actually did make me smile, for whatever reason. but i didn’t reply, i just wanted to leave it at that, with him smiling. so then about a half hour or so goes by, and he texts me again saying “done yet”. and i was going to reply no, be patient. but then he sent that same text. 40 more times. i couldn’t even do anything with my phone because it kept vibrating so fucking much! i was laughing pretty hard, so i called him and i was like oh my fucking god derek STOP and he was STILL texting me on the phone, so i said okay i’m just gonna turn off my goddamn phone now okay BYE, and then i hung up on him lol. but then he sent that text again over hundred more times, i had to clear my damn inbox. i manged to text him back saying “if you’re going to keep this up, i’m going to put my phone on vibrate and put it in my pants.” so i got like 3 more texts and then they just abruptly stopped after that hahah just like i knew they would. like it’s really easy to just kinda joke around about us and stuff, but once it gets sexual, i know he can’t resist, little fucking horndog. and i know he’s trying to not think about me in that way because he has a girlfriend now. like the other day when i was at jami’s and i told him i was doing laundry because i had no pants, he actually started yelling at me to shut up because then he was going to think of me with no pants on and start thinking about my ass. lol so anyways, i knew that’d make him stop. i didn’t say anything else. but it felt really good to tell him how i feel about the hanging up thing without holding it back. and him telling me that he wanted to know what was wrong (before he knew the problem had anything to do with him at all) was kinda reassuring, because then i know he does care. oh and while we were still on the phone, he was laughing and said how we’ll have sex someday, eventually, it would happen and we’d end up together. i laughed and jokingly said i look forward to that day. and that was all. the whole thing just made me feel better. and i really am going to work on his picture. not right now because it’s 5am and i’m exhausted as shit, but when i wake up, i will. 
okay. goodnight/morning. i’m glad to be home. 

i just got off the phone with derek. he called me earlier this evening, and all he said was “sssoooooooo.. how’s my picture?” i said i couldn’t get it done until i had colored pencils, and there aren’t any here. and he made this really weird sound and then just hung up. i kinda blew it off in my mind though. so then he called me again tonight and said he had 2 questions for me. 1, if i had to pick a team to be on, would i rather be with zombies, or with burt reynolds and the swat team. i really have no idea what the fuck he was talking about, but i chose burt for the guns. he said he was gonna go with burt too. then he asked me how much longer the picture would take. i said i’m not going to be home until sunday night, so sometime around then. he said he was so pissed at me, and he was going to hang up. i said i’m sorry a few times, in a mocking voice, and he didn’t hang up. i just said “derek i’m sorryyyy” and he kept saying stop. i was like stop what, what are you talking about? so then i just kept saying sorry about his picture, and he kept saying stop, but like drawing out the word and making it long, like “stttttoooooopppp” like i was torturing him or something. i kept saying what the hell are you talking about, then he kinda laughed and said oh my god STOP THAT. now that i think about it, it could have been the way my voice was? i was stretching so my voice was kinda low and stuff, i don’t know, one time he told me he liked that, but i just now remembered i was stretching when he called. so maybe it was that. but anyways, he kept saying he was gonna hang up, but he never did. then he said “i hate that i love you.” at first i didn’t know what to say. i hesitated for a couple seconds, then said “i love you too.” i said it completely serious sounding, no more laughing like i was before. then he made this weird sound, like the one before, and hung up. and then i smiled. i was really really afraid that he stopped. loving me, i mean. i know in that voicemail he left me, he said he would never stop because i made a huge impact on him, but i was still scared. part of me is afraid that once i finish this picture, he will stop talking to me. maybe that’s why i’ve been subconsciously drawing it out. so then i texted him a couple minutes after he hung up and told him that i’m afraid he won’t talk to me again when i’m done. i didn’t expect him to respond, but he did. he said he probably would only because it took so long to finish, obviously a joke. but he he kept texting me and he said i would make a terrible girlfriend. i told him to fuck off. he said said because he would need my help and i would let him down. i asked how. he said he needs a fucking drawing. i asked of what. he said of me. i asked what good that would do. he said exactly, i wouldn’t do it. i said i would, but i don’t know why he’d want that. he said sure. i said i would do a lot for him. he said sure again. i said well maybe he should just get his girlfriend to draw something for him, because i’m just going to fucking let him down. this is really pissing me off. i wish it would be easy to stop replying, but i can’t. even when it hurts, it’s like i keep digging myself deeper because at least he’s talking to me. he just replied and said “:( now you’re hurting me.” i don’t know what to say to that. i don’t know if i should say anything. i’m not sorry, he DID hurt me. he keeps saying he’s the victim, i think that’s fucking bullshit. i wish it was easy to get over it all. i actually thought i was. but it’s kinda hard to get over it when he keep doing this. like i said, even when he’s a dick, i still keep going for it. what the fuck is wrong with me. FUCK. 
i need to not think about that now. i need to distract myself.
matt came over yesterday. it was pretty casual and it was nice. he was only with me for a couple hours, and all we did was talk. he told me about his girlfriend problems and about his family problems and about his friend problems. we talked about movies and books, particularly the hunger games. we got into a pretty in depth discussion about that actually. then he said let’s go to dick’s, and i said okay let me put pants on (because i was wearing my sweats). so i walked into the guest room i’m staying in and i didn’t close the door completely, i just kinda left it half open. but i put on my jeans pretty quickly and then he was standing at the door right when i was pulling them up. he laughed and said “damn i missed it!” i laughed and called him a pervert. so then we went to dick’s and he offered to pay for me but i said it’s cool. i feel uncomfortable when people pay for me, even if the food is cheap, i can still get it myself. then he drove me back and dropped me off at the house. i gave him a hug, and i hugged him when i first saw him too. he noticeably lost weight, like he was never fat at all, but now he’s so lean. actually if i’m being honest here, he looked really fucking hot. but when i went to hug him, it felt like i was hugging a twig! still a great hugger though, that boy. but it was really nice seeing him after several months. 
hannah is coming over tomorrow and i’m going to order pizza for us. she’s spending the night, then jami and tyler are coming home on sunday and taking us back to my house at night. it should cool. i’m pretty stoked to hang out with just hannah and an empty house all day, it’s been a while since that’s happened.
derek just texted me again and said STOP. i said i didn’t even say anything. he said i hurt him. i still don’t know what to say to that. i have a headache now. and cramps. i need to lay down. fuck feelings. 

okay let me start from the very beginning, because i hate telling a story and then having to back track because then i get confused. 
so jami and tyler left this morning around 9, and i went back to sleep. i didn’t really do anything all day except watch some things on netflix and eat a little and finishing reading 50 shades of grey. there’s not really a big selection of food in this house so i need to stop snacking so often or else i’ll have nothing to eat this weekend. anyways. i was in the kitchen this evening looking for something to maybe eat, and i hear my phone go off, so i ran into the living room because i thought maybe it was my mom or something. nope, it was derek. i had 2 missed calls from him within the last 3 minutes and a text that said “answer me :(“.. okay now i’m gonna have to backtrack just a little to last night. in my last post i said i hope he doesn’t call me because i don’t want to put up with his asshole attitude. so of course late that night after i make the post, he does end up calling me, and yes of course he did act like an asshole, and of course he fucking hung up on me and didn’t call me back or anything, just fucking cut me off. so i texted him like a minute later and said he was such an asshole. he texted me back and said he was a victim. then i said “no, you’re an asshole for always fucking hanging up on me. you picture will be done soon, please stop bitching to me about it.” and then i didn’t get anything back. so rewind back to tonight. after i saw i had 2 missed calls and a text, i called him back. he asked me why i was so mean to him the night before in my text and i told him because he actually pissed me off when he hung up on me because i fucking hate that. he told me that he cried and teared up a bit, i’m pretty positive he was joking. but i think he actually was upset, but he was trying to make a joke out of it. so then he said “question” in the way that he does. he asked me if his picture was done and i said aaahhhh.. noooo aahhh, and he made this really loud squealing noise and then he hung up. for a second i got SO fucking pissed, i actually yelled out loud “are you fucking kidding me!” but then literally like 3 seconds later, he called me back. he said he was just kidding. he asked when i think the picture might be done and i told him i need to color it, but i forgot to bring my colored pencils here so i said i’d ask matt to bring some if he had any because he’s coming over tomorrow. and of course derek completely puts aside the picture thing, and he’s like oh matt’s coming over oh you guys are gonna fuck aren’t you. and yesterday, i made a text post in a read-more that said something like “what do you do when your best guy friend tells you he touches himself thinking about fucking you and having shower sex with you” because matt actually did say he’s thought about it before. but i ended up deleting it because i delete most of my text posts. it didn’t get any notes and i didn’t expect it to, but i guess derek saw it because then he said “so he told you he thinks about fucking you huh?” and i said yep it was pretty weird when he told me. then derek kinda hesitated a little and said “is it…. is it weird that i was kinda jealous when i saw that?” i was like really? he said yeah he couldn’t explain it but he was. i told him he didn’t need to be jealous because he has a girlfriend now. it’s like i keep reminding him that so he’ll back off, because i don’t think it’s fair for him to be all flirty and almost lead me on when he’s in a relationship with someone else. so then he said something about his dick being out (because he always makes jokes like that no matter who you are), so i said hey thanks for reminding me! (him being half naked reminded me that i need to do laundry and wash my pants and shit, so i would be half naked too). but he was like what? i said i need to do laundry so i gotta get naked. he kept telling me STOP, i was like stop what. he said stop talking about being naked because now i’m going to think about you being naked and about your ass. i guess he’s trying to control himself like i am. but then he starts fucking moaning. like really intense sex moans, not unlike what it sounded like when we used to have phone sex a lot. and i was like oohhh my fucking god derek STOP this isn’t fair you cannot be doing this to me right now. and he was doing this for like 10 fucking minutes and it was really turning me on and i kept saying STOP IT, but he kept going and then he said my name a couple times in this low moan and jesus fucking christ it was so not fair. then he said “i’ll stop if you tell me you want my ranch dressing.” i was like what the fuck does that even mean? and then i realized that i tweeted earlier today that there’s no ranch in this house, which is ridiculous. so he must’ve gone through my twitter again. i didn’t mention that, but i couldn’t say it without laughing. so then he started talking about matt again and how it’s so obvious he thinks he’s coming over and getting laid. i was like psshhhh nooo we’re just going to get food (and yes that’s all i’m going to allow to happen). but i think derek was actually jealous about it. part of me was actually really happy that i know he cares about me enough to be jealous about things like that. but then another part of me wants him to just be a friend to me and not tell me that’s he’s jealous, because that makes it really hard to move on when i know he still thinks about me like that. i’m already having a hard enough time as it is. but at one point on the phone, i said “okay well i’m gonna go..” and derek FREAKED out, he like NO NO NO, it was kinda cute. okay it was really cute. but then after an hour or so, he did say he was gonna go. he was playing something on his xbox and he made me listen to it turn on because it sounds like r2d2. but when he did say he was gonna go, he said “i love you much” and he said something at the end of it that almost sounded like “baby” but it could have just been a weird noise because he was saying it in a high voice so i couldn’t tell, but i didn’t question it. so i said i love you too, and he said goodnight and so did i, and i waited a second and then he finally hung up. it was strange though, finding out that he was jealous and then the whole moaning thing ugh. but overall the whole thing was reassuring in a way. it’s so hard to just be his friend, and he can be such a fucking asshole sometimes. i think that’s his way of guarding himself, trying to make a joke out of everything and take it too far. and then there are those really great moments when he’s serious with you and he’ll talk about something in detail, and i love that. i do love him, and i told him that’s not going to change. i just have to learn to love him as a friend.
man i really need to stop with all this, i’m annoying myself and i feel like i’m being repetitive. i never check these posts either, i just kinda type whatever is in my brain because it’s easier than thinking too hard about it, which is probably why this all sounds jumbled up and ridiculous. but whatever, they’re my thoughts.
and now, i’m kinda hungry. it’s past midnight and i’m going to finish doing my laundry and make pizza rolls and nobody is going to stop me.